


Dissociative Property

by nitohkousuke



Category: Kamen Rider Build
Genre: Dissociation, Gen, Introspection, Spoilers for episode 21
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-24
Updated: 2018-02-24
Packaged: 2019-03-23 10:41:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13785777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nitohkousuke/pseuds/nitohkousuke
Summary: There are 7 days in a week. 24 hours in a day. 60 minutes in an hour. 60 seconds in a minute. Therefore one week is either 7 days or 168 hours or 10080 minutes or 604800 seconds. Of course, human beings have no real way to process that time passing. Sure there are clocks to measure human's feeble attempts of passing time. There are weeks and months and years. But humans truly have no way to perceive time. The fourth dimension. They can barely perceive the third dimension.Some people say when they dissociate they lose time. Of course, dissociation for everyone is a little different.And for Sento...Spoilers for Episode 21





	Dissociative Property

**Author's Note:**

> Ah yes beautiful vent fic that I've been working on since Episode 21 aired. Hope someone gets something out of this.

There are 7 days in a week. 24 hours in a day. 60 minutes in an hour. 60 seconds in a minute. Therefore one week is either 7 days or 168 hours or 10080 minutes or 604800 seconds. Of course, human beings have no real way to process that time passing. Sure there are clocks to measure human's feeble attempts of passing time. There are weeks and months and years. But humans truly have no way to perceive time. The fourth dimension. They can barely perceive the third dimension.

Some people say when they dissociate they lose time. Of course, dissociation for everyone is a little different.

Often, for Sento, it's like someone has removed him from his body and placed him in it slightly off. Slightly to the left. Slightly disconnected. Fuzzy around the edges. Sometimes, it's like feeling his feelings through rubber gloves. He can tell they are there. He can tell their shape. But there is no texture. No sensation. So he goes through the motions of how he's learned feelings work. It's easier and easier the longer he goes through the motions. Sometimes even he can't tell he's dissociated until he tries to think about his feelings and all that comes through his body is television static.

Sento wonders a lot of the time if he dissociates as much as he does because of the memory loss. Or maybe its the nebula gas? Do they others do it? But it would make sense if it's memory loss. Katsuragi was ripped from his mind. Wiped clean and then Sento was built on top of that. Trying to build in a system that has had all the wires frayed and tugged so roughly? It makes sense that some connections aren't quite right. That some connections don't work. That some connection suddenly jolt alive like frayed wires with different charges touching in way they shouldn't have. It's a miracle the system starts at all. It's a miracle that the system remembers the factory setting or any settings at all.

This is different. This is actual trauma dissociation. Of course, one could argue that having his memory wiped was trauma. That the green liquid was trauma considering his nightmares. That finding out Soichi has been playing him is trauma. That Ryuuga getting injured is trauma. That finding out he was Katsuragi was trauma. That everything he's gone through is trauma after trauma. Wound on top of wound. The previous one never healing and thus the scars criss-cross. Thus with each one, all the others reopen. Just by breathing. Just by being. The trauma reopens and festers.

But all of that? All of that is different. It's different. Because none of that is....

None of that is like killing a man and not having any memory of it. Of waking up, to someone dying in someone else's arms. To having his mind ripped from him again, to for a brief moment not exist. To for a moment wonder if that's it. If it's another reset. If Sento Kiryuu will die like Katsuragi Takumi did. To be replaced by another blank slate manipulated by some force quite possibly not human. To dissociate from himself in a way that's not a coping mechanism. To have his coping mechanism turned against him. The highest form of dissociation but not the kind he uses so heavily as that coping mechanism that maybe he really should take a good look at himself and wonder if this is the kinda thing he should let himself do all things considered.

Normal people don't dissociate while eating toast which is the first thing he's eaten in days because he gets so anxious that he's thrown back up every attempt at food. Normal people don't dissociate because they're sleeping too much or too little. Normal people don't dissociate because someone asked them how they would describe themselves and that triggers them into a panic attack and flurry of thought process that he had to smile and mumble some physics formulas. Normal people don't dissociate from human contact even though they are desperate for something that makes them feel more like a person and less like an object.

Normal people don't feel like they are drowning every waking moment and have to put every single ounce of their energy into pretending everything is fine. Everything is okay. That there aren't voices in his head screaming all the time at him. That his head is formulas, intrusive thoughts, and self hatred duct tape together with 'Sento Kiryuu' written on top of with off brand crayons in an attempt to pass off as a person.

Everything is not okay. Everything is not okay and Sento has finally stopped trying to pretend it is. Though it's worse now isn't it? It's so much worse. Because now there's a man's blood on his hands. On Sento's hands. Not Katsuragi's. No, he can't even try to debate with himself about whether or not the actions of a person who is no longer him because while he has his intelligence and his taste in food and his taste in clothes and his mannerism and his language and his......and his......because he has no memory of it. He has no memory of this either. But it was him...

How is this different? How is this different? Is it different because his name is stamped on him this time? Because he Sento made a decision that someone else took and used to kill. But is there really someone else? Is Hazard someone else? Something else? Just because he has no memory......that doesn't mean he isn't responsible. So if Katsuragi made a decision. Made a serious of decisions. And then someone took him and twisted him into a different person. Is that different person responsible? Is Katsuragi responsible? Is Sento Katsuragi? If he isn't then who is? Is Katsuragi dead? Was Sento Hazard? Is Hazard Sento?

What makes a person responsible for their actions? Are you the same person you were yesterday if you can't remember yesterday? If you used a different name? If you dissociated so hard that the thing left behind if a suit and a body that moves and does not think?

Sento's not really sure what day it is. He's not really sure how he got in this room or when he took his shoes off. He's not sure what happened between the murder and his current state. He's not sure how much time has passed. He's not sure who brought him here. Ryuuga? Possibly. Maybe? Most likely?

He's not sure. He's not sure about anything. He's a genius, but what good is that? Formulas, math, physics? What good is that? Morals cannot be defined by equations. Personality cannot be defined by experiments. People cannot be defined by lines of code and logic. The world does not care about any of that. Physics is just human's pitiful attempt at feeling like they have control and understanding of the world. But it isn't enough.

There's a war going on isn't there? But they told him he didn't have to fight anymore. And he was both....relieved and horrified. He thinks. He can feel the edges of those emotions but not quite the right sensations. More than gloves. Bubble wrap and padding and chains and lock and thousand other things between him and them. Static and static and pins and needles. Relief and horror. Existential crisis. Is he not a weapon? Is he a person? What good is he if he is not build? What good is Sento Kiryuu, Rabbit Tank, if he is not being used? What good is a person without purpose? What good is a person with so much blood on their hands if they are not constantly scrubbing it desperately every single waking moment of their life?

Misora brings him food. He's not sure how many times she's been here. He knows it's more than once. That's all he knows. There's soup and toast. The first few times she left it in front of him. Unable to look at him. Is it because she can't stand to look at a murderer? Or is it because she can't stand to see Sento like this? Is it because she pities him? Is it because he's practically dying in front of her? Is it because he's a selfish horrible person for doing this? Because his own mental state is hurting everyone around him. He'd tried. He's trying. But it hurts. It hurts to sleep. It hurts to be awake. It hurts to exist. And he would...not exist if he thought he even deserved that. But for as much as he is a terrible horrible murder who's made weapons that have taken so much from everyone's lives....as much as he is that...removing himself would leave a person shaped hole in everyone's lives and it would just hurt them more. He does not deserve relief. He does not deserve to hurt them further. He has to make up for his sins. He has to move forward. He has to do something....but....but...

But part of him thinks...that is just him having given up. Because what he did was horrible. He'll never forgive himself. It's the worst thing that he himself unquestionably has done....But this? This isn't new. The dissociated state. The feeling of hopelessness. The questioning of his identity. Of his actions. Feeling a desperate need to be good because that's the sort of person he wanted to be. Every single action of his needing to be purposeful and useful. But in the end he still feels empty and useless and worthless. In the end he paints he's ego on top of his self loathing like trying to paint over walls with holes thinking that no one will notice the cracks.

But now? Now he just stares at the cracking wall without even trying to hide it. Because he's given up. He's not trying to hide it anymore. This is all he is. There's no point in hiding it.

And maybe. Maybe that isn't true. There are moments of genuine happiness he's sure. There are moments that for a second his mind isn't anxiety and static and disconnected feelings. There's more. He's sure of it.

He can just barely remember Ryuuga's lips against his own. His smile. The touch of his hands. His compassion and emotion and energy. Misora's smile. Her laugh. Her threats if he wakes her up. Her support. His family. A photograph almost perfect with a corner ripped out because he can't...he can't....

But then immediately. Guilt. Guilt. Because everything is his fault. Ryuuga being caught up in this. His girlfriend's death. The amount of pain he has had to endure. Misora being used the way she was unwilling against her will.

And....and.....even now. By not fighting. By being here. By being selfish. He's hurting Ryuuga. Because it is Ryuuga who will have to fight, isn't it? It is Ryuuga who will have to suffer. Because Sento isn't strong enough. Because Sento isn't good enough. Because Sento isn't enough. No matter what he does no matter how he tries. Sento will never be good enough will he? Never deserving.

And that triggers a panic. A spiral. But he knows how to deal with that. He pulls a wire. Disconnects from his person. Dissociates further. Dissociation upon dissociation.

Another layer of gloves. Another box on the shelf. More static.

...It was selfish of him. He knows that. He really does.

...But he isn't sure what to do anymore.

...He just wants to stop.

 


End file.
